A while back my friend gifted me a book. It’s a children’s book about a monkey who is grumpy but refuses to acknowledge how he feels. I wish I could say this gift was given to read to my grands, but it wasn’t. It was for me.
My friend knows me well, maybe a little too well. Because when it comes to emotions I often refuse to acknowledge them. Not all of them. Not the feelings like joy, love, and delight. It’s all the others. All the ones that are heavy and hard to hold. I’ve spent tons of time attempting to avoid processing what I consider negative emotions.
There are both advantages and disadvantages to my approach.
The advantage is I can reframe almost anything into something hopeful or positive. Think Pollyanna optimism. Glass half full. “There’s a bright side to everything” kind of attitude. I have the ability to spin a happy ending to almost any circumstance. This is both a gift and a flaw. Sooner or later all the stuffing of feelings creates a grumpy monkey most will never witness (because I’m also pretty good at covering it up), but she’s in there. Stirring, jumping from task to task, distracting herself in order to avoid acknowledging the sadness or frustration or disappointment in life.
A few years ago all this shifted for me. I was listening to someone explain that people process their life’s situations in three ways. We feel. We think. We do. While we all experience all three, most of us have our favorite. The one we automatically go to. Turns out, for me, processing how I feel about something is at the bottom of the list, and thinking is above all the others.
What I’ve come to understand is when I lean on my favorite (thinking) and ignore the others (doing and feeling), I end up a grumpy monkey. I’m impatient with myself and others. I wake up with a sadness I can’t quite explain. There’s an energy within prodding me to start something new or just keep moving. I used to think these were signs of “little faith.” Now I know they’re signs pointing me to move past my thinking and consider my feelings.
That’s how I woke up this morning. Feeling sad, antsy. Finding it hard to sit in the silence. So I went for a walk and as the extra energy settled I asked the Lord, What is this feeling I need to name. The gentle whisper of an answer came. Left. I feel left. And while I have lots to be thankful for, settling into this stage of life isn’t easy. My nest is empty and quiet. The kids come… and then return to their own homes. There’s lots of transition going on which always includes letting go and receiving. By the end of my steps I thought Yes, this morning I feel left. And it’s okay.
I hear the faint echo of Moses encouraging Joshua.
Then Moses summoned Joshua. He said to him with all Israel watching, “Be strong. Take courage. You will enter the land with this people, this land that God promised their ancestors that he’d give them. You will make them the proud possessors of it. God is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t worry.”
Deuteronomy 31:7-8 MSG
So I take courage. Courage to discover there are days when the feeling isn’t so feel good, and that’s just where I am for now. And like the grumpy monkey says,
I’ll probably feel better soon enough, too. For now, I need to be grumpy.
or sad
or mad
or glad.
In the midst of it all God is right there with me. No matter where you are, how you feel, or what you think, I pray you discover God is right there with you too.
Are you finding it hard to form prayer words for the desires of your heart? Perhaps the trouble around you has left you speechless. Join me on the Discover God’s Way podcast as I guide you in prayer through the words of Psalm 62. Just click on the link where you most often listen.
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