Today is a marker of time. I check the calendar to make sure, and sigh. It’s been three years. I can’t help but reflect on how much life I’ve lived since the morning we awoke to something we never expected.

Funny how we practiced fire drills when our kids were little never expecting to have to actually escape a burning home for real. In a flash we found ourselves living in a loved one’s home and attempting to process the loss. The daunting question constantly circling around, “What do we do now?” I mean we had options. We could rent a place, buy a place, or rebuild where we lived for the last two decades.

Round and round the question went and I wondered, How in the world do I decide? I can’t even figure out what to eat most days. I waffled back and forth between all the possibilities. Of course it didn’t help that the real estate market was crazy. One home we looked at sold within eight hours for more than the asking price. Eight hours… how in the world do you decide where you are going to live in eight hours?

I remember the moment the round-and-round came to a halt. The four of us out on the back porch after supper. Me standing and pacing as we talked logistics. That’s when he asked the question, “What are you so afraid of?” My little brother has a way of getting to the point. And while he didn’t use these words, somewhere deep within I heard, Where is your faith?

Something shifted in me that evening. I climbed the steps to go to bed and thought, Okay. Enough is enough. Time to trust God to show you the way and open the doors. No more teetering on the edge. It’s time to jump.

A few weeks later we saw a house, made an offer, went through the entire process of purchasing a house (which we had never done), and moved in three years ago today.

There is nothing about the life I live now that I expected. Honestly it feels quite weird some days. As if I’m in some dream dimension trying to wake myself up.

Everything about our home is different. Different landscape, different daily rhythm, different sounds, different wildlife, different weather (well at least when a northern blows in). So much different and yet something remains.

Just last week I was attempting to make a decision about how to frame a print for the guest bedroom. She looked at me and said, “You should be good at this. You were a framer for years.” I smiled, nodded and then confessed, “It’s a result of the fire. It’s tough for me to make decisions.”

On my way home I hear my brother’s words echo, “What are you so afraid of?”

Ugh… a clear answer comes. I am afraid of the unexpected. Like, if I get too comfortable in this place it might disappear. I’m not just talking about the house we live in. I mean, the unexpected happening all around me day in and day out. Daily routines change, people get sick, and death comes. Even though I know this is a possibility, it still feels unexpected. Whew! I said it. There are moments I find it hard to embrace the celebration because of what might be around the corner.

Oh sister… where is your faith?

Don’t get the wrong picture. I’m not talking about a Pollyanna-faith that expects all to be well for the rest of my life. I’m talking about faith that makes decisions in spite of what might happen in the future. Faith like Naomi’s when she tells her daughter-in-laws she’s going home. Naomi spells it out clearly.

This road home is going to be rough. There’s nothing for you there. No way for me to return what we’ve lost. You should probably go home to your own families who can take care of you. You can start new lives there. Begin again. That road will be much better than the one I am about to take. (Ruth 1:11-13 in my own words.)

Jesus said something along the same lines when he told the disciples he would be leaving soon. They didn’t get it. It didn’t fit their expectations.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 (NIV)

No offense, but following Jesus is not about living the life you always expected. It’s not about good days, bad days, or even boring days. Faith is not ignoring the unexpected that can happen and does happen.

Faith is persevering, enduring, taking steps even when you are scared to death. It’s trusting God knows what’s best even when your world has been turned upside down.

It’s knowing He takes the most messy, broken, traumatic things and uses them for our good. And the good of those we hold dear. Even those we don’t hold so dear.

 He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Romans 8:28 (MSG)

Oh friend, wherever you find yourself today I pray your words sound like Ruth’s. “Wherever you go I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.”

May you discover the hard path home is well worn by those who have traveled before us, and that Jesus holds our hand every step of the way.